Crazy Ex Stories?
Rewatching some classic RTAA, Geoff discussed his story of the ex that talked to trees and refused to eat in front of him and that made me want to hear more stories of crazy relationships/encounters with others. I love me a good crazy ex story. Let's hear em, lengthy or short, I'm down to read whatever :).
I'll start as I have plenty of them. I've had a lot of crazy women in my life. One of whom stabbed me in the arm with an x-acto knife during an argument who is now one of my closest friends. That's not the one I will focus on however. I want to go to the tippity top with the clown shoes, get a snack, it's a long one.
I've had it in my head for a long time now, that while on the search for my soulmate I need to try as many different types of women as possible. I find a wide variety of chicks attractive so I came up with this kinda bucket list I nicknamed the "Ben and Jerry's flavors of women" list. This included race, height, hair color, build, just anything that made a girl physically different. Kinda sad how much thought I put into this list really, but my goal before I end up finding that "one true love" you always read about was to check off everything on this list. Still much to go.
I had a chance at a two for one. I met this beautiful red-haired cougar on Tinder. Now I say cougar loosely, I'm 26 and she was 37. Needless to say one of the most beautiful women I had ever laid my eyes on and in person she was much, MUCH more attractive. Fit as a fiddle and sharp as a tack, lemme tell ya. Long fiery red hair, skin fair like vanilla, pouty red lips, intense emerald green eyes. Just gorgeous, beyond looks too. Witty, smart, funny, just an all around amazing woman. To top it all off, it turned out she made 6-figures a year. I thought maybe I found the goose that laid the golden egg. Until the end of the night, I walked her to her door and went for the kiss and she rejected me saying that it wasn't something she was ready for. Defeated I went home without even so much as a hand hold.
She texts me the next day "We should hang out saturday", I had plans so I offered up friday to which she replied "I won't have the house to myself on saturday." Which is the weirdest way to say "I have roommates" ever. So I asked her "Roommates?" Her reply was "Something like that..."
Now in case your detective skills aren't Batman-level like mine. This chick was married and with four kids whom were not mentioned at all in any of our conversations. Now I get that Tinder is the internationally accepted hook-up app, but jeez lady. We discussed this at length in which she confessed to me "I'm in a failing marriage, on the verge of divorce, I just wanted a fun fling but you were so sweet I couldn't go through with it."
I'm a pretty terrible person, I wouldn't break up a happy marriage but I would be the final nail (pun intended) in the coffin of a dying one but you'd have to be honest with me about it... Of course it didn't help she described her soon to be ex-husband as an "aggressive, ex-marine". I'm not particularly interested in getting shot for a booty call. So I called things off with her and said, listen it's just wrong, let's be done. Kthxbye.
I need to mention that when I first meet women, I feel weird about them having my actual number. So I always use a "textfree" app at first until I'm comfortable with the girl and know I'm not dealing with a crazy... AND OH I WAS. I deleted my textfree app and just left it alone. That next day, the very next. I wake up to 17 voicemails on my actual phone. Crying, rabid ones that would switch into raging anger to whisperings of sweet nothings. She claimed that she found my number off google, which as somebody with an ego who googles himself I know that was a lie, my cell is nowhere on google. Then the scary part was she said "If you don't answer and talk to me, I have your address I will come over there." So I did the smart thing and went straight to the police. Even though I knew there wasn't anything they could do, I wanted it on record in case I disappeared one day and would be later found in some ditch with my organs missing.
This has been an on-going ordeal. For many, many months. She'll leave me alone and then out of nowhere will start blasting my phone again with the randomly, rapidly changing mood swings either. Once I got in my car after work and found a neatly wrapped envelop taped to my steering wheel (I never lock my car, problem there) and I open it and it's a four page hagnd written love letter, professionally taken lingerie photos, and a pair of her underwear. As if this wasn't enough, anytime I go on a date anywhere she blasts my phone with "omg who is that slut" with details of my date when I had no idea she was anywhere near.
I eventually took her to court, she disputing a restraining order I was filing and those beautiful emerald green eyes I had fallen for were suddenly lifeless, dull gray-green. The kind of eyes that'd say "I'd strangle a puppy and feel nothing". And her stories about us, man, either she was crazy enough to believe they happened or she was the most convincing liar ever. She claimed we were dating for three years and we had a baby scare that ended our relationship, the reason she went so crazy with all the calls was because she was pregnant and I had left her. I knew this woman as a potential interest for less than a week, and again, never even kissed her.
She still calls me and blows up my phone every once in awhile with new strangely fabricated stories of us breaking up and me cheating on her. If I block her number, or get a new number myself she just finds a way to get around it. So I find it best to just ignore her and let her get bored of blowing my phone up.
Moral of the story: They say don't stick your dick in crazy, but sometimes you just have to take it out to dinner.
tl;dr version: Met a cougar on tinder, turned out she was married with kids, and super crazy.
Your turn, let's hear em!
