I write this on another night I stay away.  Listen to music and hoping to gain insight in the reason this entire planet keeps going.

I call myself a realist, but really pessimist is a good way to describe me.  I plan for the worst and expect the worst in everything.  I rarely allow myself to be positive about anything.  I’m sure most of all this comes from my shitty childhood, like most people I have a heavy baggage and on top of that I have a horrible memory so remember the happy times is hard since I dwell so much on the bad things.

People want to be inspired; they want to be told that another will go by and that they can get through it.  Truth it I’m just to chicken to do anything about my life in any direction.  I float through most days clinging to routine like a life raft.

I figure that if I wrote all these things I kept telling myself and sent it out in the world, maybe it would touch someone.  I desperately want to matter.  Which is totally selfish and I hate that about myself.  I have 2 beautiful children and a wife that I love even if I don’t understand how she is still with me, but I have a hard time caring fully for them.  When I say that I just fell horrible it’s the one reason I keep on finding a better way.

I don’t want anyone to tell me it will get better or that I can get through it.  That’s not it.  I think I want permission to be miserable.  I think I like having a tortured soul.  I know now to deal with that.

Being happy to me is uncomfortable, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and the wait is more painful than the pain for sadness and despair, but no one wants someone to be sad or depressive it’s just not what people should want.

Everything in life is to find happiness, joy, a reason for living or a goal.  I just have given up on most of those.  I have been suicidal on a few occasions.  It made me go see specialist that in term gave me meds, but I don’t want any of that, but I don’t want to disappear either.

I talk to myself all the time and I hate most humans.  A woman stood up for me in the bus over 2 years ago and still to that day it’s my example for the kindness of humans.  Most of everything around us is bad news, or self-enjoyment content to make us drown in whatever easy pain relief we can find.

Well that was a great 20 minutes of typing.  Let’s try that again sometime.

Life in the end WINS